Tuesday, January 27, 2015

~ Snowflakes ....

.... he sent me snowflakes.
An infinite amount of snowflakes.
All for my viewing pleasure.
Because I told him that when we moved up to New Hampshire
I wanted at least one huge snow storm
so that I could just sit back and enjoy watching it snow.
And so I did.  Watch it snow.
We got one heck of a storm ... 16 inches of this stuff was delivered to us.
That's good considering they originally predicted we'd get over 2 feet.
The wind was blowing so hard at times
that the snowflakes looked like they were twirling around
like little ballerinas. 
The snowflakes even tried to come inside via the balcony....
Lucky for me I have storm windows over the screens.
As much as I find snow to be an annoyance,
I do have to say that it looks lovely.
 
Oh, yes......just lovely.
Unless you don't have access to a garage and have to park outside.
Not me.
I park in a heated garage, thank you very much.
 
I think I'll go out tomorrow and explore the neighborhood.
 
 
Tom,
Remember
when I'd go out and use the snow blower after a storm.
You'd be so nervous, afraid that I would get hurt so
you  "secretly" watched me from the bedroom window.
You didn't think I noticed.
I did.
Then you'd come to the front door and give me the "thumbs up"
for doing such a good job.
I love you for that.
For watching out for me.
Thanks for the snowflakes today.
All my love.
 


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

~ Remember ....

.... Forever
 
I thought long and hard about whether or not to even choose a word for 2015.
After all, my word for 2014 was "Challenge"
and indeed I was presented with one of the biggest challenges I could ever expect.
After giving it some thought
I decided that my word for 2015
would be "Remember".
 
To solidify the fact that I had chosen that word
I headed over to Litva's Jewelry
and purchased a couple of her beautiful rings.
 
When the box arrived I was hesitant to open it.
I'm not quite sure why but I was actually afraid to open it.
Maybe because it would be a solid reminder that Tom is dead
and this would almost be.....in my mind.....equivalent to wearing his
tombstone on my finger.
I walked around the box.
I gently pushed it.  I picked it up.
I opened it.
 
I cried.....and cried.....and cried.
 

 
Remember...
to grieve....for as long as it takes.
This is a journey I wasn't ready for.
Every day is a challenge.
I grieve deeply....painfully.
 
 Remember...
to celebrate....his life.  Our life.
I was lucky enough to have him for 44 years.
He is etched in my heart....my soul.
That will never be taken from me.
 
Remember...
to cry. 
Softly....loudly...,
I cry myself to sleep EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT.
Sometimes softly.  Sometimes loudly.
 
Remember...
to smile.
I am beginning to be able to smile when I think about Tom.
When I say his name.
When I look at his picture.
 
Remember...
to take deep breaths.
 
Remember...
to exhale.
 
Remember...
his love.  His sweet, sweet love.
I will never again be loved the way that he loved me
nor will I ever again love someone  the way that I loved him.
Tom and I were a "once in a lifetime". 
And I'm perfectly okay with that.
 
I will ...
 
Remember
 
Tom
 
Forever
 
 

Friday, December 12, 2014

~ Do You Believe ....

.... in signs?
Signs from our loved ones who have died?
 
I want to believe.
Since Tom died I keep searching for signs from him.
I keep praying to sense his presence.
There are no signs.
I do not feel his presence.
I think there are coincidences.
 
This week I had a few "coincidences".
 
Coincidence #1
Wednesday
Got up.  Poured myself a cup of coffee.
Walked over to the window and looked out.
There was a moving van.
It was "Tom's Moving Company".
For a second I thought "is Tom moving in or is he telling me
that it's okay to move out?"
 
Coincidence #2
Wednesday
Ran some errands. 
Pulled up into a parking spot.
The car in the spot in front of me had the license plate
"JACK-"
Tom called me "Jack".
 
Coincidence #3
Friday
On Thursday night I could not sleep.
I cried all night.   I thought about him all night.
I talked to him all night.
Why wasn't he with me?   Why couldn't I feel his presence?
As I crawled out of bed in the morning
I walked over to the bedroom window and looked out at the brook below
as I always do.
But today I noticed something.
Take a look.
Do you see it?
I saw it immediately.
Look closer.

Can you see the heart shaped rock?
The light snowfall overnight must have covered it to look that way.
A sign? 
A coincidence?
I don't know.  I want to believe.
 
It has been 5 months.
22 weeks.
154 days.
3,672 hours.
220,320 minutes.
13,219,200 seconds.
 
Of loneliness.
Of helplessness.
Of sorrow.
Of anger.
Of fear.
Of wanting to believe he is giving me signs.
Of wanting to feel his presence.
 
 

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

~ It Is Now ...

4 months
123 days
17 weeks
2,952 hours
177,120 minutes
10,627,200 seconds
since Tom died.
 
I still visit your blogs.
 I just haven't had the energy to post lately.
 
I am struggling to get back control of my life.
I am still consumed with grief.
Every.Single.Day.
Some days are worse than the next.
I just never know when the grief will be mild
or when it will explode from within me.
I am a walking grief bomb.
I am a whirlwind of emotions.
 
Sometimes I regret having moved from our home of 30 years.
I'm still not feeling his presence here with me in the condo.
 
I hear that "time will heal" ....
I just don't know when that time will come.
 
For now I will grieve.
Every.Single.Day.
 
 
 
 
 
 


Thursday, August 14, 2014

~ It Has Been ....

... a little over a month.
33 days to be exact.
792 hours,
47,520 minutes,
2,851,200 seconds
of excruciating pain.
Of devastating loneliness.
Of feeling lost in a fog of disbelief.
I can go for hours at a time without crying.
That's if I keep myself so busy that I don't have time to think.
About anything.
And then .... wham .... out of nowhere something just knocks the wind right out of me.
And I cry uncontrollably.
I cry from so deep within that my body shakes with each tear.
 
Lately, these are some of the things that make me cry.
Places he sat on .... in .... by .... during his last weeks.
 
His walker sits by the bed ... waiting for him to get up and attempt to get around.
I see it there and it makes me cry.
He fought so hard to not get to this point ...
but he accepted it like a gentleman when he realized it was a necessity. 
And that makes me cry. 
 
His office chair ... waiting for him to start his work day.
I walk past this room and step back and look in.
They came and took his office computer away.....another piece of him gone.
Sometimes at night when I can't sleep
I get up and sit in this chair in the dark
and I cry.
 
His chair at the table.
Waiting for him to arrive for a feast.
The last few weeks ... especially days ...
he wasn't doing very much eating.
But he'd sit there and watch and wait for me to eat.
And he'd tell me how good it looked.
How good it smelled.
But he just wasn't hungry.
And that makes me cry.
 
The chair in the sunroom.
It's funny how we hadn't used that room much in the last few years.
But in the last few weeks of his life
we used this room every.single.day!!!
We'd get up and he'd sit there and read the paper.
Drink his Orange/Pineapple Juice.
Take his multitude of pills.
We'd talk about the condo and what was being done to it.
We'd talk about colors and furniture and countertops and tile.
I'd watch him fall asleep on this chair in the middle of conversations.
In the middle of phone conversations.
In the middle of texting someone.
Sleep was absorbing him more and more.
And then he couldn't come downstairs anymore to sit in this room with me.
And that makes me cry.
 
When I thought that he would be coming with me to New Hampshire and the condo
we couldn't wait to leave this house and get up there.
Now that he is gone
I am finding it very difficult to wrap my head around leaving here.
I am so dang emotional about leaving here.
He's everywhere.
Sometimes I swear I can smell him.
He's here.
Will I be abandoning him when I leave?
Will he know to come with me?
And that makes me cry.
 
My Throw Back Thursday shot:
Tom,
I love you.
I will love you until I die.
And if there is life after that,
I will love you then.
 


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

~ I Am A ...

... Widow.
It sucks.
It hurts.  A lot.
Being a widow makes me sad.
It makes me lonely.
It makes me angry.
It makes me cry.   A lot.
I am scared.
I am grieving.
I am crying.
I am a widow.
And it sucks.
Everything seems muted.
There is very little color in my life right now.
No happiness.
Just sorrow.
No smiles.
Just tears.
And it sucks.
July 12, 2014.
A day I will never forget.
It is circled on the calendar.
It has been 25 days.
600 hours.
36,000 minutes.
And it sucks.
It sucks.  A lot.
Yet I cannot flip the calendar page to August.
It sits on my wall as July.
Occasionally I walk by and pound the date with my fist.
I scream at it.
I swear at it.
I hate it.
I hate it with all of my being.
Yet I cannot flip the calendar page to August.
 
I am a widow.
And it sucks.
 
 

Saturday, July 12, 2014

~Today ....

... at 5:20 PM
I lost my best friend.
My partner in crime.
The love of my life.
My heart.
My soul.
My existence.
 
I will never gaze into this sweet man's eyes again.
I will never see his contagious smile.
I will never hear his deep wonderful voice.
I will never hear him call me "Chick-a-dee" or "Jack" again.
 
His health had been declining so quickly the last couple of months.
We were hoping for a second boost of energy,
enough to get him to New Hampshire and in the condo.
He fought a hard fight all the way to the end.
I finally told him it was okay to "let go". 
And he did so in my arms as I stroked his face and his hair.
 
It's interesting because a few weeks before this
I had a specific song in my head every single night before we'd fall asleep.
I'd sing it to him in my head as I listened to him breathe
and fall asleep.
 
 
"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
 
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby and I don't wanna miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you baby and I don't want to miss a thing.
 
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
I just wanna stay with you in this moment forever.
 
I don't wanna close my eyes.
I don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby and I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you baby
and I don't want to miss a thing
 
I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just wanna be with you
right here
with you
just like this.
 

Tom, I don't know how I will manage through the rest of my life without you.
You will always be in my heart and on my mind.
 
Please visit me in my dreams.
I want to see your face every night.